In Numerology they talk about the 9-year cycle – the last one having started in 2008 and ended in 2016. Personally speaking I’m not a big fan of Numerology and Astrology, or rather I don’t like to be put in a box, neither do I like to pigeonhole things, but somehow you can always find some truth for yourself, right? While I was writing this post I had this thought about the 9-year cycle popping up in my head and yeah … here is my story.
New beginnings. 2008.
The year I started to study International Tourism-and Event Management; and the year I’ve had a life-changing car accident that I survived thanks to all my angel buddies up there.
Then in 2009 things really started to shake up.
The night from the 5th to the 6th of January – I remember as if it was yesterday: It was the first week of exams — but simply too many — and I felt so much pressure and panic. The university I went to was private, so that probably was one of the reasons why I gave myself so much pressure. It was the beginning of a year-long journey of sleep disorder, depression and anxiety.
In the same year my mom went through a heart surgery which we were not sure about if she would survive. Growing up with my moms many diseases I was used to being the strong and optimistic girl for her and everyone, but this wasn’t easy of course and I’m so glad to see her so healthy today after almost 29 years of my life and 51 years of her life ❤
2009 was also the year I visited Ibiza for the first time and where I fell in love with this island. I recently said to someone: “It felt like coming home.” Back then – in Hamburg – I was looking for a 4 month-internship abroad for my studies. I had no idea which country I should choose, but thought “Spain could be nice for a few months”. 🌴🌞 So I opened Google Search and the first result was a job offer in a party hotel on Ibiza which almost everyone in my class knew about, except me.
I applied, went to the interview, got the job.
“Let’s see”, I thought.
Office and Animation: Taking care of guests, doing stage performances and games, dancing and being fun all day/ night long, (almost) no sleep. 🤐 Nobody told me about the latter, neither did I know or was I prepared for how daily life in a party hotel looks like 😅 It was a fun time – though up until today I’m not sure how I / we survived that, but when you are around your 20s anything is possible 😉 During these few months I kind of denied/ forgot all my challenges and inner chaos; well, I absolutely had not a free minute to care at all. So they came back even stronger after my time abroad.
During that summer I didn’t really see anything from Ibiza, except the hotel, but the energy of the island made me come back every year after that until one day in 2015 I decided to say “Goodbye Germany” 🇩🇪—>🇪🇸👋🏻
Because… again, Life somehow guided or let’s say “pushed” me to go follow my dreams and leave my comfort zone.
With that said 2009 being the year of the beginning of my spiritual journey and Dark Night Of The Soul 🌑 I remember how my Grandma gave me the first self-help book I’ve ever opened; The Power of The Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy – a book that she always looked into during difficult times, she said to me. I was very curious because I’ve always been very fascinated by the topics that go deeper.
Interesting… how you REAL-EYES in retrospect: everything is connected, everything makes so much sense. ✨
In this period of 9 years I’ve experienced uncountable days of inner hell, not knowing how to emotionally survive the next day, how to go to work, how to go shopping, how to look another person (anyone!) into the eyes, how to speak about that and make another person understand what’s going on (so I didn’t even tried). – Sorry to many friends if you ever wondered why I haven’t been really present in your life – The simplest things in life were now the hardest. I was so ashamed of the fact that I could be seen as “weak”, having been the “strong” girl all my life. — I thought, “Who am I now with all those problems that not even I was able to explain?” Every time I tried to put my experience into words … these words didn’t do justice to what my experience really was like.
In the beginning of this cycle I’ve experienced days where I didn’t wanted TO BE alive anymore because of the suffering; it was so exhausting, and I had so much darkness coming up that it was very tough to keep on shining my light. But I never gave up. I always knew that all this has to make sense, will be over one day,.. the solution must be there.
These years felt like being in a giant dark labyrinth that you are trying to figure out for ages. Sometimes you think you finally got the right way out (and all seems .. yeah … kinda ok) and then you realize and have to admit that you are still absolutely lost, feeling frustrated and alone. But I made it through. It took me 9 years (can’t believe I’m writing this! 9 😳😧) until feeling emotionally stable and really good again – I went from one inner challenge to the next inner challenge. And now it feels surreal writing about it.
Additionally during these years I’ve went through a soulmate relationship that was the biggest catalyst for my growth, one of the most difficult experiences of my life so far, but also absolutely beautiful because of all the love and compassion I’ve felt inside of me. People might think a soulmate relationship is meant to last forever but often this is not the case. However, they are the most powerful, beneficial, deepest and challenging relationships you will have – they are magical because you can’t put your head around the fact that these people that you feel so deeply connected with actually exist – they will serve you in a most profound way. And also… there are many “soulmates” and maybe even deeper connections in your life.
Honestly, looking back to my past self, I’m very proud of how far I’ve come – maybe not so much on the outside as I could have; like in regards to my action steps on building something etc (I know that’s relative), but very very far inside.
“He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying.”
I know (and probably always knew) that this period was the biggest gift I could have received, because I learned so much about myself, about life, about others. 🎁 There was NOT ONE day in these years where I didn’t actively decided to grow, learn from other people and teachers, read, reflect, and dive deep. SERIOUSLY, NOT ONE. It became my passion to learn more about the mind, emotions and consciousness. I’ve went to doctors, body workers, past life coaching, and personal growth workshops all over the world and followed my inner guidance system step by step. My biggest wish was to understand all this chaos and myself – the darkness and the light.
Nowadays I see how many people are waking up (i.e. the process of ending suffering) and it’s so wonderful and important to know that we are never alone, that we are all on the same journey, that we have to share our story, be compassionate, and need to learn from each other.
I must admit that this seeking for answers made me a bit tired of going to workshops, healing ceremonies etc – not because I think that there is nothing else to learn, quite the contrary, but I think everything needs a balance and having invested so much time of my life “taking in” and being there for myself, it’s now time to “give” as well. First you have to fill your cup and take care of yourself to be able to give. This might also be another stage where we learn on a completely different level.
I’m at a point where I stopped seeking actively, a point where I feel awake and en-lightened (meaning: feeling lighter; not feeling superior or further than someone else), hopefully able to help other people somehow or at least sharing more with the world.
The learning about yourself and life will never end, and I find that there are always new areas I like to explore… most interesting for me are the different stages of consciousness and other topics in personal growth that I never had the energy and time to explore further.
But first you will have to wake up, to all the illusions and lies that are going on inside and without.
First comes Self-Realization, then Self-Actualization.
I‘m writing this because many people have always only seen me smiling, and I know there are many souls out there who are suffering emotionally and psychologically tremendously – you will never see what someone else is going through – and I just want you to know that this too shall pass❤️ I have so much compassion for you, my friend. Darkness must be exposed before it can be healed and released.
“That which has to give light, must be able to withstand burning.”
And it’s not always solved by just realizing you are not your thoughts and you are only suffering because you are identified with mind; your thoughts and emotions, which you are not. At this stage of my life I believe that this does work at a certain stage, yes, but not in every case. Sometimes things are a bit — more complex, like life itself. So if you ever think that you are crazy, because people make it look so easy, and you ask yourself why years of meditation and realizations don’t bring you to the happy life you wish to live (again), don’t worry – you are not crazy. You are closer to where you want to be like ever before🙏🏼
I guess we are lucky if we are going through a difficult time nowadays because through the worldwide conscious shift, trauma and thought can be healed faster than ever before. We reached the next level.
Anyways, if you ever feel like reaching out to me, please do so. I will be very happy to share with you my story.
However it’s only my truth and I’ve done so many things that I can’t even know for sure what IT was that has helped me be and feel the light again, that I am and that we all are in our essence… but I know the healing stages I’ve went through. I took a holistic approach towards it. My truth doesn’t have to resonate with your journey. And I also like to say: I know that I know nothing. And in regard to any personal growth advice: just because something is working for so many others, doesn’t mean that it has to work for you. We are all unique.
I’m forever grateful for this intelligent invisible force that is within us and everywhere around us, guiding us and loving us 💛
To a brighter and lighter future for everyone xx